So I thought there was something wrong with my outfit today. I had bought these very cool wool black balloon-y culottes from Agnes B ($150 or something–I can’t remember exactly but they were in that price range) a few months ago, and they are my favorite thing to wear lately, because they have an elastic waist and are roomy and sooo comfortable, yet avant-garde enough so they look tres chic. OR SO I THOUGHT.
I paired it with a printed flowy-kimono-sleeve top ($20 at the Billion Dollar Babes sale last year) and my brand-new Lanvin criss-cross nubby brown leather flats ($545 bought at Barneys the other day). And topped with my Joseph cape sweater ($100 at the sale a few years ago, from $400 I think) I thought I looked pretty cute. It was my baby’s "Music Together" class and I always try to dress nicely because I actually have to leave the house and see other people.
But something nagged at me. Somehow, with the pants and the printed top and the criss-cross ballet flats. I looked AMISH. Not that there is anything wrong with looking like that, but something about my outfit was very starchy and screamed I DO NOT BELIEVE IN TECHNOLOGY!!
It did NOT scream hip.
But it wasn’t until I saw my sister, (she and my younger nephew are in Music Together with Mattie and me) that I discovered what was truly wrong with it.
Christina took one look at me and asked, "WHY ARE YOU WEARING HAMMER PANTS???"
As in, MC HAMMER. As in "U CAN’T TOUCH THIS" as in, BAD BAD BAD 80s FASHION.
You remember those balloon-y parachute pants for the 80s?
I thought I was being avant-garde. I did not realize I was merely being retro-grade. MC HAMMER???
Now I know what is wrong with those pants. SIGH!
Defnitely a fashion-victim moment.
But I will still continue to wear them. They are the only comfortable pants I have that are not made of jersey and come from Target.
That’s right, people, for me, it’s always going to be…
In other sad news, my Barneys shopper called me and told me that my fabulous Balenciaga Blazer had arrived!!! And I had exactly one day to rush over there to buy it otherwise they were going to ship it to Dallas to another greedy Balenciaga lover! So of course I high-tailed it over there, ready to part with $2500 so I could be one of the very few women in the world who would have this jacket. (According to the New York Times Critical Shopper column, NINE were ordered by the Balenciaga store for their customers, if you didn’t order one, you don’t get one. NINE New Yorkers! Yikes!)
The jacket wasn’t even the fabulous black one with the stripe on the arm that I really wanted. It was gray. But it was faaaaahhbulous. The construction of it–the architecture of the sleeve! The big-ass Balenciaga buttons! The silk lining with the insane manga graphic…it was TO DIE.
I slipped it around my shoulders, loving how the fabric felt against my skin.
Then I tried to pull the two sides of the blazer together, to see how it would look buttoned.
There was a good five-inch gap between the button and the buttonhole. A yawning chasm.
IT DID NOT FIT!!!
I was devastated!
Friends, I am not that big. I fit into a Balenciaga size-40 (which is an American size 4) in the military jacket! I usually wear a size six.
So why, why, why, couldn’t I fit in the blazer???
Because the blazer is made for those with Agnes Deyn proportions. It is not a real size 42 (Am 6) it was more like a negative minus two. TINY, TINY, TINY!!
Because they ONLY want skinny-mini modelicious girls to wear them.
I don’t know who was sadder, me or my Barneys shopper who would have to forgo her commission and send it to the lucky lady in Dallas.
Apparently, if I WANTED a jacket IN MY SIZE, I should have gone to the TRUNK SHOW and ORDERED one in a "custom" size. You give them your gigantic-lady size and pay half six months in advance. And that is the only way one who is not a negatory size can score the jacket.
But, when fashion slams a door, somewhere it opens a window…
I consoled myself with buying the criss-cross Lanvin flats, as well as a pair of red patent mary-jane ballet flats from Lanvin as well ($545). My FEET at least, are TINY, TINY, TINY!
I also bought a hyper-cool studded metallic leather belt ($275) since the only belt I ever wear, this white studded super-zexy belt tore in half since it was made of pleather and from the mall (and bought for $20). I don’t know why I decided it was time to upgrade exponentially on the belt, since I keep buying this same white belt for the last ten years and I always get tons of compliments on it. And I probably should have just gone to the mall and bought another one. But I was at Barneys, and I needed a belt…and at Barneys, belts START at $275. So what are you going to do? SIGH.
I took my fat ass home and trolled the web for knockoff blazers. They make a decent one at J. Crew ($225) but it’s just not the same…