The Thick Line between Love and Hate

It was the baby’s first birthday today. Awww. We had a big blowout for her this weekend with tons of lovely family and friends and today we took her to two museums (The Getty and Noah’s Ark at the Skirball). The whole family went, including our nanny, both sets of grandparents and my sister and her two boys. Quite an entourage! She had a wonderful day and we had a wonderful day spoiling her.

I can’t believe my baby is one year old already! Craziness. It’s been exactly a year of working-mom insanity. The good thing is that I have somewhat reconciled to loving both my daughter and my work, although when my friends asked me if I liked being a mom, I told them "No." Which I immediately felt guilty about, even though it was true.

It’s really hard to be a mom, and I don’t even think of myself as a mom really–I mean, me, a mom?? But what I should have said was, I don’t really like motherhood, but I LOVE being Mattie’s mom. If that makes any sense at all.

I guess what I’m trying to say is the whole "mom" thing is just simply too too too exhausting–and all the guilt that comes with being a mom (is that an American thing?) just sucks. I hate that I still don’t have highlights. I hate that I can’t go out every night without getting a sitter. I hate that we can’t travel that much. I hate losing my freedom. I hate staying home. I hate all the competition at the playground. I hate worrying about whether she’ll get into the right pre-pre-school. I hate Elmo. Actually I take that back–Elmo’s okay. But Clifford the Big Red Dog has got to go.

But I love being with my baby. I love reading to her. I love giving her a bath. I love combing her hair. I love feeding her. I love snuggling. I love it when she laughs. Oh my god she has the BEST laugh ever. I love that she calls for me whenever something happens–no matter how big or how small. I love how soft her cheek is. I love watching her sleep. I love her eyelashes. I love her perfect little toes. I love her belly. I love her smile. I love her smell. I love how she waves. I just love everything about her, I just love her SO much.

Every night Mike and I look at her and say to each other, "I just love her SO much." Because it is so amazing to have so much love for another person. And we wonder, do our parents love us this much? And they must, because how could you not want everything for your kid?


It’s amazing how fast the year has gone. Seventeen years left and she’ll be off to college! Boohoohoo! It’s really too short a time when you think about it.

Anyway, huge breakthrough on Revelations today, and fun fun stuff on Birthday Vicious. I’m so excited about both books, and as the launch of the Ashleys nears, I’ll post some excerpts here.